Q & A Table of Contents
Is It Fair To Negotiate With Your Spouse?
From: Prashant, India
Question: II hope you remember that I attended one of your courses early this year.
Today I was remembering that you commented in one of your lectures about negotiating with your wife or something like that. But I am not sure that such close should relations be treated with a conscious effort of doing negotiations.
I was just wondering the scope of negotiations in life and that how justified we are in doing that in a family. So is it fair in a close relationship to use your skills and get things done or make them happen the way you want? If you assume that there is always a good reason and a healthy feeling behind any negotiation the whole question is answered with a "yes". But what would be the definition of right and wrong because what you do is acceptable to your conscience and at the same time might be wrong for someone else.
Response: I am flattered that you paid such close attention during the course that even several months later you still have questions. The crucial issue is how one defines 'negotiation'. If we view negotiation as a collection of strategies for taking unfair advantage of others, then it is wrong to use it in a family situation -- or in business or any other part of life. In my mind, negotiation is a process by which people exchange things of value using civilized means.
Members of families have many opportunities or needs to reach common decisions. Good negotiation processes require taking other people seriously, treating them with respect. One has to listen and try to understand their interests, their fundamental concerns.
The real question in family decision-making is not whether to negotiate but rather whether the negotiation process used by the members of the family is fair. If one negotiates with a family member using unfair tactics, that will harm the relationship. An unfair approach also means that at least one party is going to walk away from the negotiation feeling less committed to fulfilling his or her obligations. Thus, whether we are thinking about negotiating within a family, in business, or in other parts of life, the fairness of the process determines whether a party is behaving properly or not. If you don't negotiate fairly, you will not achieve the long-term results you want.
Hope this clears up your confusion.
Steve
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