Q & A Table of Contents
Paying Attention Pays Dividends
From: Chris, Singapore
Question:
1. How can I get my idea across to someone who has a different
opinion?
2. How do I focus on the other party's idea and not the person during
negotiation?
3. How do I persuade the other party to say yes to my suggestion without
having to insist that the other party adopt my idea?
Response: Thank you for your very interesting questions. To respond most
effectively, I'll answer the second question first.
Listening to another person is important, but you should be listening to the
whole person. Thus it is perfectly appropriate to look at body language and
other visual indications to get a more complete sense of what they are
trying to communicate. The hard part is being non-judgmental. When you
listen, don't judge, just absorb.
If you have prepared for the negotiation by thinking about the information
you want to gather, then you have a series of bits of information to listen
for, a check-list. Focusing on that check-list can help you keep your mind
on what you need to learn rather than issues you might consider extraneous.
Doing a good job of listening involves giving the other person a clear
indication that you are truly paying attention to them. Thus, when someone
finishes, rather than leaping in with your own brilliant riposte, do a quick
check: "Am I correct in understanding you to have said. . .?" By doing this
you show them that you have taken them seriously. You also give them the
opportunity to restate their points, particularly if what they hear from you
gives them the sense that their initial statement was not fully understood.
The crucial result of this active listening approach is that it creates an
obligation of reciprocity: "I listened to you, now it is your turn to listen
to me." And that leads us to the response to your first question,
convincing someone who has a different opinion. If you've treated them with
respect by paying attention to them, that alone may increase their
willingness to take you seriously.
There's a famous story out of 19th century Britain. Two politicians,
Gladstone and Disraeli, were great rivals. A woman sat between them at
dinner and, afterwards, her friends asked which man was the greatest in the
British Empire. She said that after listening to Gladstone, she had
concluded that he was indeed the greatest man in the Empire. But after
talking with Disraeli, who must have been a very attentive listener, she
realized she was the finest woman in all Christendom. Someone who makes you
feel important -- in a credible way -- is far likelier to be able to
convince you of something.
Another way that active listening helps convince 'the opposition' is that it
gives the listener a chance to hear hints of possible openings for change in
'the opposition's' proposed solution. This relates to changing an opposing
opinion as well as gaining agreement for your idea. When you hear these
'openings' you should try to think as creatively as possible about how to
make it clear that your proposal responds to specific interests indicated by
the person with whom you are negotiating.
To a certain extent this is all about 'face'. Is it more important that you
get credit for a proposal or that the proposal itself is adopted. You
should not submerge your ego entirely -- however the more a person feels
that your suggestion was really generated by something he or she initiated,
the more likely you have come up with a 'yesable proposition', where you
have made it easy to say yes and hard to say no.
Good luck in your negotiations,
Steve
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