Q & A Table of Contents
He Blamed Me For What He Does All The Time
From: Cesar, Los Angeles, California
Question: My team member sent an email to me with a copy our boss. We are both
trainers and we consistently borrow equipment from different rooms. Most of the
time I return equipment exactly were and how I found it. Recently, I didn't
return a piece of equipment because I thought he was not going to use it so
soon. But anyhow, I do accept my imperfection.
On the other hand, my team member "always" seems to not return any equipment. I
usually just pick them up and don't really mention anything to him. Now he has
told me and our boss through an email what I have done.
I didn't think this was a big deal to mention anything to our boss. What can I
say to him for next time? Because he does the same thing and even more.
Response: Don’t wait for ‘next time’ to communicate your dismay to your
colleague. Think of a series of questions to ask him — such as,
‘Why did you send me an email about the equipment issue rather than having
a face-to-face discussion with me?’
‘What was the purpose of sending a copy of that email to the boss before
you and I had discussed the issue?’
‘If I have some kind of disagreement with you, what do you think would be
the best, most diplomatic, most effective way to handle that?’
‘What did you hope to accomplish by taking the approach you took (sending
me and the boss the email)?’
You should examine your interests in the situation — as well as those of your
colleague and the boss. What sorts of reasons might he have to make you look
bad in front of the boss? Are you competing for a raise, a promotion, other
privileges?
Do you think the colleague has been frustrated attempting to communicate with
you? Has he ever exhibited any fear of dealing with you directly? Are there
ways you may have offended him that he might be uncomfortable telling you about
to your face?
If you colleague feels you’re more powerful in some way, seizing on a small
matter where you’re vulnerable may make him feel there’s a little more balance
between you.
Fundamentally you’ve got to figure out what information you need to deal
effectively with him — and with your boss. Arguing over the past is generally
pointless; in negotiation you are trying to work out how to make the future
better. Look at what you have to gain or lose by the variety of possible
outcomes — then figure out how to communicate your concerns in a way that will
influence your colleague to be more cooperative. Don’t play the blame game.
Make the future better — and the ugliness of the past will fade away.
Good luck,
Steve
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