Q & A Table of Contents
Should It Be "The Girls Against The Boys"?
From: Anna, Milan, Italy
Question: I work in an Italian IT company and have to deal with male colleagues and bosses -- which is already quite difficult. Moreover one of the top managers is a woman herself of about my same age. Although she is always very polite and positive when approaching people I have the feeling that when she has to deal with me in work matters she uses very severe judging rules and is not really an ally.
Can you give me some advice to better approach a woman boss (being myself a woman) and win her trust?
Response: Your female manager is in a tough situation; as you indicate it can be very difficult in many cultures for a businesswoman to gain and maintain the respect she deserves from her male colleagues. In the United States the derogatory term for a woman businessperson who 'acts like a man' is that she is a 'bully broad' -- a woman who feels she has to act tougher and meaner in order to be taken seriously. Thus, the female manager about whom you are concerned may feel she has to be particularly tough to survive and thrive in her professional environment.
The dilemma you face is that if you treat her as a needed ally, under the assumption that it issue of the 'girls against the boys' you may be asking her to undercut her current professional survival strategy. On the other hand, there is an approach that you could use that lets her know you admire her success and would like to learn from it:
If you can have a private, off-the-record conversation with her, you can tell her that you have observed her success at receiving respectful professional treatment from her male colleagues. You can ask her whether she has any advice for you to use to gain more respectful treatment from male colleagues and bosses. In some way you should be indicating you do not want her to be your 'bodyguard' but rather that you figure that training the men in the company to treat all women as colleagues and not merely as female colleagues, your positions as women will be strengthened.
Thus, in negotiation terms, you need to assess your interests: Why you want what you want? Then you need to look at your objectives (for example, to have your female manager judge you using the same standards she uses for judging men) and determine whether those objectives serve your interests. You should focus on your interests and make sure that everything you say and do serves those interests -- because you are the only one to whom they are important.
Another step you can take is to talk with trusted or respectful male colleagues. Try to get their opinion about professional issues; find ways to see if you can help them in their work. As you develop those relationships, when it feels comfortable and safe you may want to ask them how they feel about women in the professional hierarchy -- whether they feel comfortable with women who work for them, with women who are their equals in the hierarchy, and with women who outrank them. Just raising the issue will make them think -- and give them the information that you are concerned, aware, and sophisticated enough to comprehend what is going on.
You need to ask a lot of questions. And the questions you ask should be aimed at eliciting information that will help you make better, wiser decisions.
Good luck with a tough job,
Steve
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