Q & A Table of Contents
My Boss Doesn't Listen
From: Theresa, Minnesota
Question: I and several others in my department are feeling as though things
that we say are not being heard by our boss. When I finally came to grips
with the fact that I just couldn't tell with that anymore I confronted my
boss on it. I let her know that I was feeling frustrated. She replied
immediately with what I think she thought was constructive feedback but I
would call name calling and again not listening. She said I was over eager,
tried to take everything over. I ended up leaving the room because I didn't
go to her to just have her tell me everything that I do wrong but rather to
listen to me first then lets see how we can fix it. I don't want to leave
things the way they are, but I don't know how to solve the problem when the
problem I am having is that I don't think she listens and in order to
resolve the problem I need her to listen. Any suggestions?
Response: It can drive you crazy after you build up your courage to confront
someone who has been making life difficult for you -- and their response to
your honesty is just more of what has been the problem all along.
If you are one of several people who perceive the same basic problems,
perhaps it would make sense to get together with them privately for a
strategy session. The group of you should compare problems, compare how
your boss responds, and see if you can figure out what patterns apply to the
boss's behavior. At the same time, you should examine your own behavior
patterns to try to determine what may trigger the boss's unfavorable
response.
Your next step should be to consider whether there are things you need to
find out to develop a clearer understanding of what makes your boss tick.
Is she on a power trip? Does she need to prove something to her superiors?
Is she under some kind of pressure? Does she respond differently to men and
women, to superiors and subordinates, to people who perform one function
versus another? It may be that if you put your heads together and figure
out what you know and what you don't know, it will help you develop the
kinds of questions you need to ask to create a more successful strategy.
If your boss is a bully, it may be sensible to stop her when she begins her
non-constructive activities and say, 'I am afraid we may fail to reach a
mutually satisfactory conclusion.' Bullies are afraid of failure.
If you confront your boss and her response demonstrates she has not been
listening, you may want to wait until she finishes, then say to her, 'Then
if I understand you correctly, you are saying . . .' Sometimes when people
hear what others have interpreted what they've said they realize that it may
not have been appropriate, it may not have made sense.
Should she say, 'You've understood me correctly; you're a bad person in such
and such a way.' it could make sense to ask her what she would do if you
were to change places.
Yet a further alternative is that, when she spouts off a non-constructive
response, you should allow her to finish, then sit there silently with a
poker face, revealing nothing about how you feel. Your silence will be
threatening to her, and it may well cause her to start over again, perhaps
in a more positive way.
You and your colleagues should also try to figure out whether you need this
boss in order to accomplish your jobs. Is there another person to whom you
could transfer your loyalty? Can you go around her or over her head?
It is important for you and your colleagues to develop and maintain a
mutually consistent strategy. Don't allow your boss to divide and conquer.
Become a mutual support group. Perhaps you can have a competition to see
who can come up with the most outrageous example of the boss's behavior,
make it something to laugh about.
Yet another possibility is to reach a mutual agreement that it is the boss's
job to misbehave in the way she has. Go into the situation with low
expectations; consider minimizing your losses as a gain. When she's
well-behaved, it can provide a moment of pleasant surprise.
One last thought: If she has been getting away with this behavior and folks
who've attempted to straighten things out simply slink away without letting
her know their disappointment, then part of the blame is with you and your
colleagues. She's got to hear honest reactions -- not emotional
interruptions, but calm responses after she's finished her 'performance'.
If you walk away saying 'I came here for one thing but got something else.
I am disappointed.' perhaps if she hears that often enough, she'll get the
point.
Good luck -- and please let me know what happens,
Steve
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