Q & A Table of Contents
She Won't Leave Us Alone
From: Angie, Sacramento, California
Question: My husband and I moved into the neighborhood a year ago after buying our first home. Being a young couple we were very excited to have a next door neighbor that was around the same age. We became friends quite quickly as we share some of the same interests such as gardening, reading, etc. However, my neighbor is single and dates men that are far away leaving her a lot of free time.
The issue at hand is two fold:
- She comes over every day, with her phone, and sits on our couch wanting to talk and visit. Most of the conversations are about her other friends' personal problems or her problems. Her current boyfriend has broken up with her 4 times and each time she runs to our house completely a mess needing guidance. At first we were the caring neighbors willing to help her and be there for her. Now, we feel as though we don't have any privacy or time to ourselves. We are expecting our first baby and I have told her that the next couple of months we need time to be alone but she still doesn't listen. Instead of calling and asking if she can come over....she just knocks on the door. If we don't answer she will come back in a couple of hours.
- She is very nosey and snoops around the house right in front of us. One instance stands out the most. My husband and I were in our bedroom (the window faces our front porch...which is the path from her house to our front door) having an intimate conversation when all of a sudden she is standing in front of the window saying "hey what are you guys doing in there?" My husband and I were so upset...THAT WAS IT!!!
The embarrassing part is...we don't know how to handle the situation. Please help us. We just want a normal relationship with our neighbor where she has her life, we have ours....we are friendly and occasionally do things together....but at this rate my husband and I are ready to snap...please help us!
Response: While you say you want a 'normal relationship' with your neighbor, the situation you describe can hardly be considered normal. With a child on the way, your life is going to change enormously. Unless you are in an extremely isolated community, you are going to find that your social life will revolve around parenting. You and your husband will find new friends with children similar in age to your own because they will be the people with whom you will share the most interests for the next several years.
You need to put your current relationship with the intrusive neighbor into context. While in several years time you may find yourself returning to the shared interests, the odds are that the shared interests that have brought you together will take a back seat to things relating to your child or children. Thus the current relationship may have absolutely nothing to offer you.
In those circumstances it is critical for you and your husband to reach a common agreement about the future of the relationship with Ms. Intrusive. Having her on the front porch carrying on conversations while you & your baby are resting is obviously contrary to good sense.
Once you and your husband have reached agreement on the future of the relationship, you need to assert your interest. Tell the intrusive neighbor the truth. If it were me and she had intruded on my personal privacy, I would have indicated that the intrusion was offensive and that, at minimum, I need some breathing time before any further contact with her. While you may not want to use the phrase, at minimum you should initiate a trial separation. Tell her that your life and hers are very different and that you do not want to share your life with her -- and are not particularly interested in having her share her life with you. You can phrase this diplomatically, but it sounds as if she is not the type of person who comprehends subtlety. Farmers talk about needing to hit a jackass upside the head with a two-by-four to get its attention. It sounds as if your situation is similar.
You may have to take steps that cause you short-term aggravation to bring you long-term relief: disconnect your doorbell, change your phone number, install a fence around your property with a locking gate, buy a pet to which your neighbor is allergic or which scares her. These are all somewhat radical steps. Ideally she will listen and respond appropriately to reasoned words, but that doesn't sound likely.
Perhaps you can help her find other friends, lonely people in the neighborhood who could benefit from the kind of relationship from which you currently suffer.
Look at your interests, consider the consequences, recognize your personal priorities, and don't back down.
Good luck,
Steve
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