Q & A Table of Contents
Starting With One Family, The Whole Neighborhood’s Against Us
From: Mary, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Question: My husband, 3 children (a girl age 12, & two boys ages 8 & 9) and I moved into our dream home eight months ago. We encountered a problem with a neighborhood bully (age 9)on the day we moved in. He physically attacked my 8 year old son while we were moving our furniture into our home.
When we asked this boy why he attacked our son, his only response was that he didn't like it that we were moving in. My husband talked with the boys parents and they said they'd take care of it. Well, this boy has two older brothers, and all three of them share a bus stop at the end of our street with our children. Every day for the last eight months there has either been physical violence, or the threat of it. My children have never been in a fight, nor hit anyone. They are extremely gentle and fear confrontation. These other boys brag about having been in Juvenile Detention Centers. Their mother is literally a member of the KKK, and she enjoys spending the afternoon on her front porch bare foot and drinking beer with her live in boyfriend. Neither of the two work, and often times they lock the boys out of the house after school because they are not home. On weekends, these boys are put out into the street at 7 a.m. until 12 a.m. religiously. Around Thanksgiving time, my two sons went to play in our front yard and were immediately attacked by these boys to the point of having black eye's and torn clothes. Fed up, my husband called the Police who came to our home, saw the bruises and said "Boys will be boys & there's nothing' I can do about it!" I'll NEVER forget it! The mother came to my door after the Police left, pushed my door open and said "Your boy's shoulda known better than to come outside knowing that my boy's were gonna be waiting to kick their a**!"
My husband & I have spoken with her repeatedly to try to resolve things peacefully to no avail. The Police won't help because "Hell, their just boys!" Children's Services won't get involved because they say "Call the Police." It's a catch 22! Now none of us (MY family) can go outside without being verbally harassed, my son's are attacked every day, and all of our other neighbors have joined the band wagon to isolate my family because of the fact that we called the Police 1 time on this family. We WILL NOT move. How can we get closure in this matter & what steps can we take to feel safe in our own home...or better yet, OUTSIDE our home?
Response: The specifics of the problem you describe do not sound as if they are easily amenable to being resolved by face-to-face negotiation with either the offending family — or your other neighbors. It may well be that the other neighbors are sufficiently afraid of the bullying family that they feel the only way to protect themselves is to take their side. It also sounds as if the police department and Children’s Service do not feel they have the capacity to deal with the situation as it is.
You may want to ask other community institutions or groups what their experience has been with the bullying family — and the remainder of the neighborhood. These can include your childrens’ school, religious organizations, charities, state agencies like the State Police and the Department of Corrections. It may well be that there are restraining orders, parole violations, or other heavy-handed ways to deal with this family using public and private sector resources. Clearly your family does not sound as if you are in a position to go into open warfare with the bullies — or your other neighbors.
Frankly I think you should take a very close look at your BATNA, your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. A dream house is not just a physical structure your family occupies. A good home includes both what is inside the building and what is outside. Dealing with violence without external support is not part of a dream environment, nor is it a practical way to solve problems.
You should weigh what you have to gain through individual conversations with your non-bully neighbors; asking individuals among them how they deal with the issues related to the bullying family might possibly yield some clues. However, if they are effectively part of a conspiracy of acquiescence, the likelihood you will derive any satisfaction is very slender.
It may well be you can deal with individual elements of the problem by sending your children to a different school, by giving them rides to and from their current school, by divorcing your family from the neighborhood for all your activities, erecting a security fence, or enlisting the aid of organizations that fight KKK activities. However, this is a series of extraordinary measures, and without allies your isolation will continue and possibly get worse. Frankly in your shoes I would be pretty disappointed with the real estate broker who found you the house — or the former owner — for failing to warn you of the challenges posed by the neighborhood. If the broker works for a responsible real estate firm, she or he might be able to help you find another ‘dream house’ and sell your current ‘nightmare neighborhood house’. This goes against the principle you raised against cutting and running. However, when you measure your choices, the priorities of a decent family life in a supportive environment, perhaps acknowledging your BATNA is something you have to accept.
Running from a negotiation that might resolve problems is not a good idea; leaving an intolerable situation for something better, on the other hand, needs to be considered.
As William Bendix used to say in the TV show, ‘The Life of Riley’, “What a revolting development this is!” Unless you can find allies, you must prepared to go it alone — or quit while you’re ahead.
I wish you luck,
Steve
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