Q & A Table of Contents
They Won’t Go Away — So I Want To
From: Elizabeth, Houston, Texas
Question: I was reading the letter you posted about the "Neighbor Nazi" and I wanted to let that writer know how much I sympathize. We had just been in our new home for 2 years when the retired couple next door moved back after renting it out for over 10 years. They are very angry and lonely, in my opinion, despite all of the neighbors, including us, welcoming them. They've had no visitors or family at their home in the last 3 years since they've been back. They scold and talk very rudely to the children and pets on this cul-de-sac when they play outside.
A year ago the man confronted my husband about our children's horrible behavior (playing outside too loud). My daughters were 4 and 2 at the time. My husband and this man got into a very heated argument and we called the police. The other night this man saw my daughter in the store playing with a toy and began scolding her in front of everyone. My mother brought her home crying and we called the police again. The police explained to these folks that what they are doing is harassment, and they have no right to confront children over playing outside in their own yard. The couple were very angry and resentful and took no blame for anything.
I know these problems will continue and I want to move. My husband is resisting moving and says we should ignore them. I don't feel that is possible since we live right next door and our lots are very small. Help!
Response: The classic response of someone in the negotiation business is to suggest you examine your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement). For example, if your house has increased in value since you bought it, and if the money you would make selling it would buy you an equally nice (or better) house in a good neighborhood, perhaps it does make sense to consider moving. However, when you move into a new neighborhood the moving process is not exactly the most fun you will have in your life, you don’t know about all your new neighbors, and you need to consider other similar factors that may be difficult to assess until the move has happened and you can’t turn back.
It sounds as if your assessment of your nasty neighbors is reasonably clearly analyzed. If there are other neighbors who share your views, who are friendly to you, and who can be part of a mutual support system, perhaps it makes sense to focus your attention on them.
Another side of this is that you should consider what you’ve indicated about the ‘nasties’. If they are lonely, unvisited, and perhaps hurting from those issues and/or others with which you may not be familiar, perhaps there are small things that can help matters. For example, they may pick on your kids because of something unfortunate in their past — or present.
Turning the other cheek is a difficult lesson to put into practice. Yet if you and other ‘good guy’ neighbors bombard the ‘nasties’ with niceness, perhaps there is hope for improvement in your situation. Perhaps one or the other of them has an interest that is shared by one or more of your family or other neighbors: sports, model trains, fishing, church, etc. Learning about these sorts of things may not be easy — but perhaps such information can open the door to a more positive relationship.
One reasonably simple approach you can take is to assign them the job of being un-neighborly. Create a quota of how many unfriendly things they can be expected to do within a given time period. Then, when they fail to meet your quota, you’ve won — and if they meet your expectations, you’ve won again for accuracy in guessing.
If you can engage their positive attention about something, it can form the beginning of a civilized relationship. Remember that how they behave is not a reflection on you or your family; feed your own ego rather than letting them tell you what to think of yourselves.
Neighborhood feuds may keep the police busy, but they don’t tend to have any positive impact on the neighborhood environment. Build your own community; if the ‘nasties’ can’t contribute to it and if moving won’t work, focus on the positives in your life. And build a good fence or plant a good hedge between your house and your neighbors; Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” In this case, it just may give you additional peace.
Good luck,
Steve
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